The Waiting is the Hardest Part…

As I sit here, staring at this boring wall in front of me, I find myself doing anything I can think of to keep my mind occupied. I’ve counted the squares of wood paneling, I’ve counted the tiles on the floor in front of me, and I have now moved on to trying to decipher all the various colors of scrubs the employees walking past me are wearing. Dark Blue = Nurses, Brown = Radiology, Teal = Lab, Purple = Child Life Specialists, and well, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten for now…check back later, I might have figured out a few more…

I’m trying to occupy my mind with anything other than the elephant in the room, that somewhere in this building is an operating room full of brilliant individuals, led by the most brilliant surgeon we could find, all working together to fix our baby’s brain. Our surgeon, the anesthesiologists, the nurses, even the surgical residents are the best at their craft…this is why we chose UCLA. Because we didn’t want anything but the best for our little boy.

When Dr Fallah (the neurosurgeon) came by to say hello this morning, I felt a little bit more at ease. He seems like a genuinely good person and doctor who truly cares about his little patients and their families. Don’t get me wrong, I‘m still crawling out of my skin with nerves and anxiety, but for some reason I just felt that I had a small amount of that sense of peace with our decisions that I have been searching over the past several days. Then came the anesthesiologist, she was kind and understanding and she assured me that she would take care of my Everett just like he was one of her own. His pre-op nurse Jen was kind and understanding as I processed through a crap-ton of emotions (think LOTS of ugly crying!!) and the child life specialists were so sweet to Everett, bringing him toys to play with and doing their best to make him feel as comfortable as possible within the 4 walls of a hospital.

But, despite being made to feel at ease with the medical team, the time came and I still had to pass Everett over to the doctors to be taken to the OR. I can tell you right now that I have never felt heartache like that in my life. It seriously felt like someone was violently ripping my heart out of my chest and wheeling it away from me down the hall. As they were getting everything ready to take him to the OR, I kissed the bravest little boy I know goodbye, said a quick prayer begging God to watch over and protect him, and whispered in his sweet little ear how much I loved him and how proud I was of him for being so strong and brave. And then just like that, he was gone. And the waiting began…

Everett’s surgery will take at least 7 hours, but there is a chance it could take longer…Dr Fallah assured us he doesn’t rush through surgeries like these. He wants to make sure he does them right and doesn’t miss anything. As a mama and a freakish perfectionist at times, I can very much appreciate his attention to detail. Thankfully, at least for the time being, Brandon has been able to stay here with me (we were told in advance that, due to the COVID19 restrictions, we wouldn’t both be allowed to be at the hospital), so that was a very welcome surprise. Granted, he is very limited in the places he can be (again, thanks a lot COVID 😡😡😡), but he is here and for the time being I am not alone. Silver linings I guess…

We are in for a very long rest of the day, and FYI waiting is REALLY stinkin’ hard. But I would wait a lifetime if it meant that the seizures I saw this morning were my baby’s last seizures ever. But I think in the meantime I’m going to go back to deciphering scrub colors… 😂

Thank you again for all your thoughts, prayers and healing light you are all sending our way. We have been feeling all of them so very powerfully all morning.

– Sara